This 2019 has always been my saddest year. The most heartbreaking year of my life.
In January 2019 my mom’s health dropped drastically (she’s been ill since 2017. You can read some story of her ailment here :
January I was fully loaded with many teaching assignments but I managed to keep calling her every day, and tried my best to fly home whenever I have free time. I just cant teach while worrying about my mom’s condition. I was so lucky then I still have some chances to be with her and cherish her before she was hospitalized.
February 2019 is when my mom is turning weaker and weaker. Yet she just didn’t want to show her pain to us. That month was the last time she accompanied me to the airport, before that she took me to Bakso Bakar in Sawojajar and that was also the last time we dine out together. March is the starting of the darkness. My mom was sentenced to battle with cancer and was actively dying. I took office leave several times whenever I got bad news from my hometown. Going back and forth from Malang to Jakarta, trying to balance my life as a mom to my kids, a full-time trainer, and as a daughter who felt unprepared to live without a mother…it was so desperating. My most fear is always loosing my mom, cause I had no idea what the rest of the year looked like without her in this world as I always need her support, encouragement, and prayers for me. I spent days in hospital while she was on her terminal state, still hoping for a miracle to happen.
And Thursday 18 April 2019 came. That utmost grief…my mom took her last breath in Room 223 Paviliun Dahlia, RSSA General Hospital of Malang City. Read here:
That day was the starting of my grieving days. Although I have accepted this destiny, time does not weaken the pain from the loss. Every single event that happens in my life, both hapiness or sadness, always reminds me of her, I have cried hundreds of times to any single moment, so cheesy I know. But alhamdulillah, I don’t cry too long cause I still have my faith,. My faith and trust in Allah’s infinite wisdom really helps me endure these trials and keep me focused on the greater goal of salvation in the Hereafter. I keep on asking Allah for patience and the guide to always be in Islam way.
I am more clam now…although sad news keep coming from May to today, the last day of 2019.
My close friend got a sudden heart attack and passed away in May. In April one of my students got a car accident and passed away. My best friend from Unair caught her husband cheating and was on the verge of divorce. After Ied Mubarak, I have three former students passed away because of serious ilness. My son got bullied by his classmates and I’m still coping with building his confidence. My lecturer, Ms Santi Djonhar, passed away of a heart attack after Iedul Qurban, and I havent’ kept my promise to her to present our paper in TEFLIN. My sister in law was hospitalised because of hemmoragic stroke and she hasn’t fully recovered yet. And Yesterday I got a news that my brother in law was diagnosed with a tumor in his heart, I cried hard for my sister.
I also feel sad with the news of environmental destruction and pollution in my country and other parts of the world, with Israeli’s demolitions to Palestine, with China’s cruelty to Uyghur moslems…oh my God these calamities are caused by us, human…
But this year also brings me some kind of betterment for my soul. I really realize now that our life is Allah’s hands and that we are all weak creatures ( that’s why dua is the part of my life. Especially after 5 times prayer and Tahajjud, really make myself relax). I am fully aware that Allah gives me these to pass His tests. All resentments are from satan and I don’t want to be friend with them. I just feel thankful, alhamdulillah that Allah gives me strength and patience untill today.
I am still crying now, but more to thank Allah for giving me the chance to be a moslem. I am thankful cause Allah still gives me the chance to continue my mom’s good deeds, which I hope these will benefit her in jannah.
La ilaaha ill-Allaah al-‘Azeem ul-Haleem, Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah Rabb il-‘arsh il-‘azeem, Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah Rabb is-samawaati wa Rabb il-ard wa Rabb il-‘arsh il-kareem.
Pancoran, December 30, 2019.