A Sense of Loss

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Today marks the 7th day I lost my mom. She passed away on Thursday 18 April 2019 in Room 223 Paviliun Dahlia, RSSA General Hospital of Malang City.

I still remember that March 18th Dr. Bogi said that she suffered from a massive galbladder tumour, stadium IV. Too late to discover, also worsened by her years of heart medication, her last option was just a chemotherapy, which I can’t imagine how bad the effects could be for a 77-year-old woman. So we just took paliative treatments for her at home while waiting for the right time to take a chemo. Amazing strength she had at first. She seemed happier at home again surrounded by the whole family. About 3 weeks ago she came down with a cough, severe vomitting, and lost appetite. We took her again to hospital and then she started to be given oxygen, more infuses, a blood transfusion and finally a hemodialysis. It was later determined she had lungs pnemonia , a blood clot, failure kidney etc. Of course we didn’t give up hope and always continued to plan as if my mom would get better. We tried every suggestion made by the team doctors (Dr. Bogi, Dr. Herwindo, Dr. Arif) and kept encouraging her to fight. We also bought FirmaX cream for cancer treatment, HDI Royal Jelly to put in her feeding tube sonde, and many more. Eventually the more days in hospital, the more she had to be on life supports and…unfortunately she was so far from what she was.

My feeling those days before she died was beyond traumatic, especially since we were so close as mother and daughter. I felt piece of my heart rip seing her in a terminal state …I saw her struggle to breathe, gasp, even to move her hands..she got muscle cramps sometimes, which always caused me a panic attack. What amazed me is that she keeps her 5-time prayers even in a desperating illness. She was on morphine on the last days and the medical team assured me she wasn’t suffering, but I saw that differently cause she shed tears when we prayed for her. I hid my sobbing in front of her, I got to be strong to cherish her and recite prayers and Qur’an for her all the times. It was the worst thing I’ve ever seen or experienced, but at least praying for her calm me down to some extent while taking care of her. She got comma on Monday, I could just keep hoping for a miracle that she will open up her eyes again and look at me …

Thursday morning was the last time for me and my little sister doing morning rituals of changing diapers and washing her. My dad went out of the room, I don’t know why he did that as normally he was there all the time watching us groom our mom. My sister was applying FimmaX cream while I was giving light massage on her feet and reciting Al Fatiha at the same time, over and over again. I kissed her cheecks sometimes, assurring her that she’s okay and she’d get better soon. There were fresh blood released from her sonde pipe when my sister saw mom suddenly stop breathing. I instantly called out for the doctor. Not later after some examination she informed me that my mom’s passed away at 7.05 a.m. I felt numb, speechless of so much pain and devastation. After I regain my strength I just said innalillahi wa inailahi roji’uun….my sister went downstairs to inform my dad, and I texted my husband, my brother and my older sister.

We took care of her funeral, it went so smoothly at TPU Polehan Malang. I didn’t cry, although people cry at funerals all the time, but I just really don’t like crying in front of people. I just do it when I’m alone, especial in doing my prayers.

Rest in peace, Yangti. We may be physically apart but you are still with us in spirit. I know you are now smiling in barzah, enjoying the return of your favors and good deeds that you did all of your life time. Love you so much. Miss you so much.Surely we will meet again someday. Allahummaghfir lahaa, warham haa, wa ‘aafihaa wa’fu ‘anha…

Mike Kusmijah
Mike Kusmiyah binti R. Sabadiman Djojoprakto

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